03 February 2008

the knitters' court

in a parallel universe, knitters rule the Earth. The planet wide religion is that of a divine knitter above who knit the universe together, called forth the yarn, and placed the people below on Earth to share in her joy of knitting.

knitters vs. relapsed knitter
the scene? a courtroom. dark, in a serious way, with honey wood paneling on the walls and dark cherry furniture. a row to the right of the room, behind a small, low divider, sits a row of twelve people, male and female, of all ages. all have various knitting projects in their hands, in varying states of completion, in sombre, dark colors, reflecting the gravity of the situation. each has on the floor next to them a sturdy bag filled with yarns, needles, crochet hooks, scissors, and paper copies, some neat, some haphazardly thrown together and teetering on the brink of mess. the audience is filled with knitters, all wrapped up against the cold with handmade shawls, scarves, gloves and more in warm wool or cotton. some have removed their sweaters to reveal handmade shirts, and more wear legwarmers. everyone wears hand-knit socks, i doubt anyone would even think of wearing any other type. like the jury, they too have bags of varying colors, shapes, and sizes, with remarkably similar contents. the judge also has knitting, a plain white square shawl, so as not to give an iota of thought to anything but the matter at hand. their face is hidden, obscured by the white lace veil, of the type worn by priestesses and priests of the divine knitter above. the lawyer, somberly dressed in a dark green merino sweater with black entrelac, holds a sheaf of papers in one hand, and some vibrantly colored cotton on circular needles in the other. he peruses the papers, occasionally turning a page or sipping something steaming out of a mug, but always knitting. the defendant is a nervous woman with vibrant blue variegated yarn on straights, sitting on a bench alone. she bites her lip, and her eyes flick around. they alight on the jury, which she stares at until one looks up, glancing away and redoubling her efforts on her knitting. the judge makes a slight signal with one hand, and a bailiff-also holding somber colored fair isle-gets up to call the court to attention. the lawyer steps forward.
lawyer i call to the stand the defendant. (the defendant steps forward, sits down, and resumes knitting at a furious pace. she drops some stitches, grits her teeth, and painstakingly picks them up again) could you please tell us, in your own words,, what happened?
defendant do i have a choice?
l no.
d very well. what shall i swear on?
judge by the needles in your hands, and all that is wooly. do you hereby swear to the tell the truth?
d i do.
(judge bangs gavel)
j you may begin.
l are you aware of the charges against you?
d only in part. may i hear them in full before the court?
l you are charged with two heinous crimes. the first is that you have not knit, for no reason at all, for months-since the 31 of October, 2007, to be exact. a small matter, it happens to the best of us(members of the audience nod)-were it not for the second charge. (the lawyer, who has been pacing, suddenly whips around to stare at the defendant)
d (raises an eyebrow, hands flying) and that would be...
l you, madam, (he checks to ensure that the jury is watching. all are looking up, save for a young girl with purple-streaked hair struggling with a bit of lace. he waits for her to look up, then resumes) you, madam, you, have forgotten something every beginner knows, cherishes, even delights in. you have forgotton one of the basic stitches in our world. you, madam, have forgotten how to do...(he pauses for effect) you have forgotten how to purl.
(the jury is stricken. one man gasps, and an elderly woman chokes. the girl with the lace companionably rubs her back until the choking subsides. the audience is astir with the loud buzz of conversation after an initial silence, exclamations flying through the air. the judge bangs a gavel, shouting for silence. order slowing resumes. only a few knit-the rest have forgotten even the knitting in their hands, watching intently to see how the defendent reacts to this)
l (softly) how do you plead?
d (seems to steel herself, then bites her lower lip and straightens up before speaking) guilty.(she proudly defies all, staring ahead only at the judge)
(the room erupts into chaos again, even the judge seems surprised. everywhere, eyebrows are raised and needles fly around the room as knitters gesture wildly)
l should i call forth the evidence?
d unnecessary.
j if she pleads guilty straightaway, i see no need for it.
l if i may, before the jury leaves? i have a little something to say.
j of course.
l (turns to jury, locks hands behind back momentarily, then brings them around to the front again to keep knitting) this is, a most grave and horrendous crime against she who knitted the universe togther and called forth yarn. it is not a simple matter of forgetting a complicated lace pattern (he nods to the juror knitting lace) or how to do a cable (his eyes flick around the jury, picking out three at that very moment doing cables) or even bobbles! this is a terrible thing. may i suggest to the jury remedial classes, on court order, community service, in teaching young or relapsed knitters, and donating one-third of her knitted items to charity for a period of six months?
(the jury mulls this over, then leaves to decide the fate of this young knitter. a little boy who seemed to be making a duck looks at the defendant curiously from the audience. the room once more is filled with the buzz of conversation, needles clacking)
33 minutes later
(the jury returns, sits down on the bench, and does not meet the eyes of the defendant. she stares them all down, one by one)
j have you decided on an appropriate punishment?
jury we have. for this act, we sentence you to community service teaching young or relapsed knitters, donating one-third of all handwork to charity, and not buying yarn for one month.
j (mulls this over, then opens mouth a few times before speaking) that is a little harsh, even for a crime such as this. perhaps we might sentence this knitter to community service, pending court order, and no purchasing of yarn for one month.
jury as you order
j (bangs gavel) that shall be your punishment. before we all go, let us join in a communal stitch and all knit upon the record of this case, being passed around now.
(al stand and knit one stitch at the same time, then some on the right side of the room put down their knitting to knit on a bright red square, beginning with the defendant, continuing on to the lawyer, jury, and audience)
j (sighs) anither case, come and gone. why, when i was a girl, no one would have dared forget even a cable! but, times change....



***************THE USUAL BLOG*******************
i must do penance to the goddess of knitting.
this goes beyond burning UYO (Unidentified Yarn Objects) under the light of the full moon.
this goes beyond sleeping with the balls of yarn in your bed, and your prized bear from childhood on the floor because you can't bear to part with the softness of merino.
this goes beyond having the only non-yarn-related objects in the }room{ }bedrooms{ }half the house{ all of the house except for the kitchen (and that's pretty iffy too. i was looking for some light corn syrup and found a ball of brown acrylic. i've got to organize the stash) stuffed into the dark corner of the closet, you know, the one with the spider? i must sacrifice some of my yarn to the goodness that is her, divine creatress, she who knitted the universe and called forth yarn, for my hienous crimes. what do you think about charity knitting?

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